Education Lowdown Podcast | Episode 4

Parenting the Child in Front of You

Breaking Generational Patterns, Supporting Mental Health & Learning to Trust Yourself as a Parent

With Ashley Ayala, LMFT, Founder of The Modern Parent

What happens when the parenting model you grew up with doesn't fit the child you're raising?

Parenting has a way of bringing our own childhood experiences back to the surface. The ways we were comforted, disciplined, praised, criticized—or perhaps not understood at all—can influence how we respond to our own children.

And when a child is navigating a disability, neurodivergence, mental health challenge, medical condition, or new diagnosis, those old parenting blueprints may suddenly feel even less useful.

In Episode 4 of the Education Lowdown Podcast, Dylcia Hernandez Dell’Era, MSW, PPSC, sits down with marriage and family therapist and parenting coach Ashley Ayala, LMFT, founder of The Modern Parent, for a deeply personal conversation about raising the child in front of you while also understanding the experiences that shaped the parent you've become.

Ashley specializes in family dynamics and intergenerational work, helping parents explore how the way they were raised influences the way they show up for their own children today.

Their conversation goes beyond parenting techniques.

It's about children, parents, siblings, relationships, mental health—and the entire family system.

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About This Episode

There is no universal parenting handbook.

And even if there were, your child probably wouldn't follow it.

Ashley describes working with parents who recognize that the parenting model they inherited wasn't necessarily the healthiest one. Now they're trying to encourage emotional expression, connection and self-advocacy in their children while realizing those same things may not have been encouraged when they were growing up.

That can leave parents wondering:

What do I trust?

How do I respond differently when the only parenting model I know is the one I grew up with?

How do I support my child's mental health while managing my own?

Ashley explains that this work often involves healing, developing self-trust, learning the individual child, and recognizing the patterns parents have carried forward from their families of origin.

The goal isn't perfect parenting.

It's becoming more aware of the parent you are—and more curious about the child you're raising.

“Kids Are Resilient” Doesn't Tell the Whole Story

One of the most powerful moments in the conversation comes when Ashley challenges a phrase adults often use after children experience something difficult:

“Kids are resilient.”

Yes, children can demonstrate tremendous resilience.

But resilience doesn't mean children should be expected to simply absorb difficult experiences and move on.

Ashley explains that resilience is the ability to withstand and overcome difficult experiences—but children don't develop that ability in isolation.

They need supportive adults.

They need guidance.

They need opportunities to process what happened.

And they often need co-regulation from the adults around them.

Dylcia shares an example from her years working in schools of a student grieving the death of a sibling. Months after the loss, adults were already questioning why the child was still struggling emotionally.

Her response was essentially:

If an adult experienced that kind of loss, would we expect them to simply return to work and behave as though nothing happened?

Children deserve that same humanity.

Before asking why a child isn't meeting an academic expectation, sometimes we need to ask:

What has happened to this child, and what support do they need right now?

Your Child's Mental Health Is Part of Their Education

Mental health and education don't exist in separate worlds.

A child may be physically sitting in a classroom while emotionally being completely unavailable for learning.

Dylcia emphasizes that education is about more than academics. A child's ability to access school can also be influenced by their environment, emotional well-being, regulation and sense of safety.

That means conversations about mental health belong in conversations about supporting learners.

If a child is struggling emotionally, families may begin by talking with a pediatrician, therapist, teacher, school professional, or another trusted person.

Ashley encourages parents not to assume there is only one door into getting help.

If one path doesn't lead to the support your child needs, keep asking, keep looking and keep searching for the right people.

Parents Need Support, Too

A child's diagnosis doesn't happen only to the child.

Parents may suddenly find themselves coordinating:

Doctor appointments.

Therapy.

School meetings.

Insurance.

Assessments.

Specialists.

Medication.

Transportation.

Other children.

Work.

Household responsibilities.

And somewhere underneath all of that is a parent trying to emotionally process what is happening.

Ashley describes how this constant state of hypervigilance can lead to burnout.

Parents may feel pressure to stay on top of everything because their child needs them.

But supporting your own mental health isn't separate from supporting your child.

It's part of it.

That doesn't mean another item needs to be added to an already impossible to-do list.

Sometimes it means slowing down.

Prioritizing.

Asking for help.

Finding a therapist.

Taking a walk.

Closing the bedroom door for twenty minutes while another trusted adult takes over.

Or simply acknowledging:

This is hard for me, too.

When a Diagnosis Brings Answers

Dylcia and Ashley also discuss something many families experience after receiving a diagnosis:

Sometimes a diagnosis doesn't make a child feel different.

It finally helps them understand why they've always felt different.

Ashley describes diagnosis as potentially creating a “light bulb” moment.

Instead of carrying a story such as:

Something is wrong with me.

People don't like me.

Why can't I do this like everyone else?

a child—or even an adult—may finally have language that helps explain how their brain works.

That understanding can sometimes replace shame with curiosity.

It can open conversations.

It can help families seek appropriate support.

And it can give children language for understanding and advocating for themselves.

A diagnosis isn't the entirety of a child.

But for some children, understanding their diagnosis can become an important part of understanding themselves.

Finding Support That Fits Your Family

There are a lot of resources available to parents.

That's wonderful.

It's also overwhelming.

After a diagnosis, families may receive recommendations for multiple therapies, specialists, appointments and interventions.

Ashley and Dylcia emphasize something simple:

The plan still has to work for your family.

If a recommendation isn't sustainable, that matters.

If you're running from appointment to appointment and the entire family is exhausted, that matters.

If a provider doesn't feel like the right fit, that matters.

Ashley recommends finding professionals who understand children and families and who are willing to integrate parents appropriately into treatment rather than treating them as outsiders.

The question isn't only:

“Is this a good intervention?”

It can also be:

“Is this the right intervention for this child and this family?”

Culture Matters in Mental Health Care

Families don't walk into therapy without history.

Culture, language, religion, immigration experiences, family expectations and generational beliefs can all shape how a family understands mental health.

As a bilingual therapist who has worked extensively with Spanish-speaking families, Ashley discusses approaching those differences with curiosity rather than assumptions.

She asks families open-ended questions about cultural or religious considerations that may influence their treatment and what is important to them.

Then she collaborates with the family to develop an approach that fits their values and circumstances.

The professional may bring clinical expertise.

But the family brings expertise about their family.

Effective support requires both.

Don't Underestimate Community

Professional support matters.

But Ashley also reminds parents not to overlook the people already around them.

A pediatrician may know where to refer you.

A teacher may know about a program.

Another parent may know about a camp.

A neighbor may have navigated something similar.

A therapist may connect you with another resource.

Sometimes simply telling a trusted person:

“I'm overwhelmed and I don't know where to start.”

opens a door you didn't know existed.

Ashley encourages families to cast a wider net and build community rather than trying to navigate everything alone.

Don't Forget the Siblings

When one child has significant medical, developmental, emotional, or educational needs, family life can naturally begin revolving around that child.

There may be more appointments.

More emergencies.

More attention.

More accommodations.

And siblings notice.

Ashley explains that parents can intentionally help build healthy sibling relationships while also protecting siblings from becoming caregivers themselves.

A sibling can love their brother or sister deeply without being responsible for them.

Parents can communicate:

“I love that you want to take care of your sibling. And you still get to be a kid.”

Go to the birthday party.

Spend time with friends.

Have your own interests.

Have your own relationship with your parents.

Ashley also suggests small ways parents can encourage siblings to operate as a team rather than constantly putting them in competition with one another.

The goal isn't to pretend the family's circumstances are always equal.

It's to make sure every child knows:

There's still room for you here, too.

When Your Child's Needs Affect Your Relationship

This portion of the conversation becomes particularly personal.

Both Dylcia and Ashley share experiences of parenting a child through significant medical needs.

They discuss how quickly parents can shift into survival mode.

One person may handle insurance.

Another may manage appointments.

One parent may be emotionally capable of thinking about next week.

The other may only be capable of dealing with today.

And neither response necessarily means someone is doing it wrong.

Ashley talks about the importance of communicating what each partner can realistically carry and recognizing that grief, fear and stress don't always look the same from person to person.

Sometimes couples can navigate that together.

Sometimes having a therapist create a safe, contained space for those conversations can help.

Either way, one principle matters:

You aren't competing over who has it harder.

You're trying to get your family through something hard together.

Parenting the Child in Front of You

Perhaps the biggest lesson from this conversation is that parenting isn't about perfectly following someone else's formula.

It's about curiosity.

Who is this child?

What do they need?

What am I bringing into this interaction from my own childhood?

What expectations belong to my child—and which ones belong to me?

What is sustainable for our family?

And what kind of relationship do I want to build with this person?

Sometimes parenting our children forces us to look at ourselves.

That's not failure.

That's an opportunity.

As Ashley describes through her work, parents can learn to recognize old patterns, develop greater self-trust and intentionally create something different for the next generation.

Your child isn't the only person you're learning about as you parent.

You're learning about yourself, too.

In This Episode

Dylcia and Ashley discuss:

• How childhood experiences influence parenting

• Breaking unhealthy generational patterns

• Parent mental health and burnout

• Mental health in schools

• Why “kids are resilient” doesn't tell the whole story

• Co-regulation and supporting children through difficult experiences

• Neurodivergence and mental health diagnoses

• Talking with children about their diagnosis

• Finding the right therapist or mental health provider

• Cultural competency in therapy

• Building community after a diagnosis

• Parent involvement in treatment

• Supporting siblings of children with additional needs

• Preventing siblings from becoming caregivers

• Parenting through serious medical needs

• How stress can affect marriages and partnerships

• Sharing responsibilities between parents

• Self-care and nervous-system regulation

• Healing intergenerational patterns

• Learning to trust yourself as a parent

About Ashley Ayala

Ashley Ayala, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist and parenting coach with 15 years of experience supporting children, adults, parents and families.

Her work focuses on family dynamics and understanding how our families of origin and childhood experiences influence the way we show up in our relationships and as parents.

Ashley is the founder of The Modern Parent, where she provides virtual therapy and parenting support. She also creates social media content illustrating family dynamics, generational patterns and healthier ways parents can respond to their children.

At the end of the episode, Ashley shares that her virtual private practice serves therapy clients in California and Texas and that her parent-coaching work allows her to work more broadly.

Connect with Ashley:
The Modern Parent
https://www.themodernparent247.com/
https://www.instagram.com/the_modern_parent/

Need Support Navigating Your Child's Education?

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Education Lowdown helps parents better understand the special education process, prepare for IEP and 504 meetings, communicate concerns, understand their options, and become stronger advocates for their children.

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https://www.instagram.com/educationlowdown_withdylcia/

Full Episode Transcript

This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity and readability.

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© 2026. Education Lowdown. All rights reserved. Education Lowdown provides educational and informational content only. Our content is not legal, medical, mental health, or other professional advice and does not create an advocate-client relationship. Special education laws, procedures, eligibility decisions, and school practices may vary based on individual circumstances and location.